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I can't say's Journal
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Date:2003-11-25 17:07
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my head hurts

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Date:2003-09-14 13:42
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seriously. if ben and jlo can't work, there is no hope for any of us.

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Date:2003-09-14 13:41
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Mike Shelby is a great diarrhea partner.

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Date:2003-09-13 16:41
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Later Today in Portland...

Alberta Street Fair
Rollerblading
Weakerthans
Lots of Coffee
Dancing and Clubbing with the girls (hurry home Joe!)

Becca you come home too! (NO CATS!)

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Date:2003-09-12 19:41
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so i went to the std clinic today to get a syphillis test because i'm just paranoid because i heard that syphyllis is on the rise and you can get it and not know you do. i find out next week. fun. i'm talking to this really cool lady who gave me the test and she's telling me about this 18 year old guy - smart guy - was in college - was in an 8 month monogamous relationship with this guy - and this 18 year old he's like really smart, and knows all about HIV and even asked his partner if he'd been tested - and he said he had been - well 8 months down the road, this guy ends up getting really sick and dying and turns out he had HIV and knew about it and never told this guy - and even though he told him he had been tested - he never told him what the result was - the 18 year old just assumed it was negative. well the 18 year old tested positive - he already sort of knew he would be. fucked up story i think. how people can do that to other people. how the fuck can you ever trust ANYONE? i guess you really just have to take care of yourself - and not really expect the other person to. that's depressing. that you can't trust anyone like that. i think it sucks how when you have sex people you sort of just have to assume that they are positive. god poor guy. she said they were in love. jesus, what love. especially sucks when you're young and you just don't know better. but shit, even though he was 18, he did all the right things, talked to his partner about HIV, and shit look where he ends up. god this world is fucked up.

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Date:2003-09-11 14:59
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God so much bitching in these livejournals! Let's hear about half full glasses of lemonade! Or about Cher!!! (hint hint Joe, I'm waiting for that life changing Cher experience you were gonna write about!)

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Date:2003-09-11 11:16
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I have this sort of theory on growing up - how we learn all this stuff in school, math, science, whatever, but we never really learn how to interact with people, how to be a good person, how to communicate. I guess that is sort of your parent's job, but what if your parents suck?

So much about getting along with people is really just so simple. You just talk, listen, care, and respond. Like you think it would be so simple. But it never is. A friend of mine has to go to court cuz he assaulted his boyfriend, or something like that. To think that they loved each other at one point - that they were each other's lives. But something did go wrong at some point. And it's like when one thing goes wrong, it's like a domino affect and it gets worse and worse.

So why not just try to make things good right off the bat. I know when I am angry or I am sad - I just want someone to hear me out, to listen to me, to tell me they understand, and that maybe they are sorry, and that they care. It's really like so simple. It makes me want to apologize to everyone for everything I have ever done that hurt them. Why shouldn't I? Apologizing, forgiving really feels so good inside. And not only do it for them, but do it for me. What's so hard that it takes so long for someone just to care, to listen, to be sorry, to care? I guess pride. Or people don't want to feel guilty. But that's not what it's about. We are human. We are far from perfect. But the one thing we can do is talk to each other. And listen. And empathize. It seems so simple. And it seems like such a good way to cope and deal - because you learn from the other person, you connect even closer to them.

I'm gonna make it a point from now on to try to be a really good listener. And try to be be a lot more constructive in dealing with people. And sure it is a two way street, because the person, if they have a problem, has to tell you, because I can't read someone's mind. But once they tell me, it's up to me how I'm gonna react. And I'm gonna try and not take it personally, and listen, and tell the other person that I do care.

But I guess though, if the person doesn't care, or doesn't give you what you need, and you feel worse after telling them how you feel - then it's time to move i think. Cuz what's the point. Who would wanna know someone who can't even show they care, can't even say I'm sorry? You think it wouldn't be so hard.

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Date:2003-09-10 10:31
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Sometimes Love Just Ain't Enough


Now I don't wanna lose you,
but I don't wanna use you
just to have somebody by my side
And I don't wanna hate you
I don't wanna take you
But I don't wanna be the one to cry
That don't really matter to anyone, anymore
But like a fool I keep losing my place
And I keep seeing you walk through that door

But there's a danger in loving somebody too much
And its sad when you know its your heart you can't trust
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are
Baby sometimes love just ain't enough

Now I could never change you
and I don't wanna blame you
Baby you don't have to take the fall
Yes I may have hurt you
But I did not desert you
Maybe I just wanna have it all
It makes a sound like thunder
It makes me feel like rain
And like a fool who will never see the truth
I keep thinking something's gonna change

But there's a danger in loving somebody too much
And its sad when you know its your heart you can't trust
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are
Baby sometimes love just ain't enough

And there's no way home
when it's late at night and you're all alone
Are there things that you wanted to say
Do you feel me beside you in your bed
there beside you where I used to lay

And there's a Danger in Loving somebody too much
And it's sad when you know its your heart they can't touch.
There's a reason why people don't stay who they are
Baby sometimes love just ain't enough.
Baby sometimes love just ain't enough.

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Date:2003-09-10 10:06
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I have a hot date tonight with Cher - well sort of

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Date:2003-09-09 14:31
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i used to sort of think that it was normal in relationships to be treated really badly every once in a while, to be threatened, to be lied to, to have vulnerabilities shared used against you, to be put down - well i thought all that was sort of normal and kind of acceptable. we're all human, right? when i tell other people about some of the relationships i've had they are just sort of in awe. i feel pretty stupid. god i must be sad, lonely, pitiful, desperate and delusional to think that that all is ok. it's definitely a very self propagating circle. i guess it's never to late for an old dog to learn i guess.

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Date:2003-09-09 11:29
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It's so weird how changes in weather make all these memories come back. I'm feeling all funny today. Kinda melancholy but not in a bad way.

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Date:2003-09-08 09:24
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Justin told me I am his best friend : )
maybe that was the "?" talking?
it was sweet i thought.

note to self: don't randomly go into people's houses at 5am and expect them to be happy to be woken up when they have to be at work that day. hey it seemed like a good idea at the time : )

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Date:2003-09-07 20:14
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i just saw some really romantic porn. like it was sweet. romantic music. crazy. i think that's really cool. it kinda moved me. refreshing from all that suck and fuck and swallow stuff you see usually.

i spent the afternoon in town. too bad all the live music in the square made it hard for the cell phone users to listen to their calls. i got a lot of smiles today which was nice.

i haven't meet able to get this song out my head since last week. it's lyrics are pretty applicate to me right now i think.

Landslide

I took my love, I took it down
Climbed a mountain and I turned around
I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills
'Till the landslide brought me down

Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love
Can the child within my heart rise above
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides
Can I handle the seasons of my life

Well, I've been afraid of changing
'Cause I've built my life around you
But time makes you get bolder
Even children get older
And I'm getting older too

Oh, take my love, take it down
Climb a mountain and turn around
If you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well the landslide will bring it down

If you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well the landslide will bring it down.

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Date:2003-09-06 05:09
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i think mike is stuck in some sort of "let your hair down" state of mind. i'm scared.

ps i think i grabbed his ass last night in my sleep. or maybe i dreamt it. most people do know that i can be sort of a sleep walking rapist. male or female. human or not. jesus i might need some hypnosis or something. maybe a deconstruction.

mikey comes back tomorrow. yah!

had a nice talk with joe's ex sol last night. it was the first time i ever really met him. good vibes i thought. we had a nice talk about relationships and love. he still loves joe quite a bit. i thought it was really sweet and heartfelt. it is really sad how relationships end for whatever reason even though the love is there. i think it probably happens a lot. i guess that's life.

it's cool that justin and mike get along.

i need to start my day.

ok.

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Date:2003-09-02 14:06
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This week will be a week to decompress.

Some highlights. Trip to Vancouver with Mike. Mike turned out to be a great road trip partner. I wasn't sure what to expect not having spent too much time with him aside from random moments where I wasn't even sober. I tried to pick the highlight of the trip but I had to settle for a few-

-Not getting into the Cher concert (I've wanted to see her ever since I was a little girl), we decided to make the best of the night and went for plan B (C being a rave on a boat, and D being see Mark Farina at Sonar) and go see the gay band Pansy Division who I sorta knew of, and Mike had heard of, and who were putting a new album out. So we get there, it's this dive-y bar - Mike wasn't sure what to think of the place. We drank. Wandered around town some - ran into my friend Dave at the Dufferin and Mike made a friend : ) Made our way back to the show (it was starting late). Me and Mike are getting drunker and drunker. There wasn't a moment that night where one of us didn't hold a beer that we both shared. The show was funny. I wanted to mosh. And I tried and tried but the crowd seemed really stiff. I couldn't get Mike to join in but I made attempts at moshing into him. I kept going up to random people and asking , "hey are these guys gay???" Got some funny looks. : ) Finally, the crowd loosened up and I made some friends. Met some hotty named Matt. Mike liked him too. We invited him to party with us - but he was over the gay scene and we were headed to enjoy ourselves like the tourists we are. But the highlight I'm getting at is, it's the end of the show, and I think I went to the bathroom, and when I get back, Mike is all buddy buddy with the band. The lead singer is all hitting on him trying to get him to go home with him. Mike introduces me. To the drummer too. And I'm like, what the hell, I thought Mike was shy?! Anyway. Maybe you had to be there. But it was great. Mad Props to Mike.

-Vancouver highlight numero dos- Same night. Me and Mike are wasted. Leaving Odyssey en masse. And when everyone dissipates, it's just me, Mike and this other guy (where did he come from). Yadda, yadda, yadda, turns out this guy is some ski instructor who is moving to Australia to travel or something, who I didn't even know was gay, well he "sleeps" in our room with Mike, and it's not like me to get some sort of sick pleasure out of a friend of mine getting lucky, especially in OUR room, but this guy was seriously amazing. Like not only was he like super intelligent, and super nice, but he was like probably one of the most amazingly looking gay guys I've ever seen. It didn't hurt that he just wandered around our room naked (yes, I kept my eyes closed - mostly). I suppose if I had a body like his I wouldn't mind walking everywhere naked. And an ass from hell. Like I hardly ever see guys with asses. Ok I know this sounds pathetic. But I told Mike this, this guy was like seriously one of the hottest people he will ever be with in his entire life. Mike chose to be more optimistic, but this guy was hot. We're talking Greek god. Yes I said hot. Ok enough : )

-The drive back was kinda fun as any mutual sleep dep experience can be - sorta. Both me and Mike had stayed up all night. I think Mike was seeing things, maybe talking to himself. Me too. He promised to stay awake with me for the drive back. Aww shucks.

-oh yeah, some themes for the v-town trip: salad tossing, shitting, semen, Alice Deejay, Mike's ass, hungry looks, and last but not least showers!

This last week-

-I just got back from Burning Man- my first time. Not really sure what to expect from it. Still not so sure what my take was. Lots of dirt. Lots of love. Lots of people. I can say I sort of feel cleansed sort of without sounding too new agey. But I feel good being home from it. My highlight though, by far, sitting in the desert, away from everyone, at least drunk, with Aric playing Landslide on his guitar, singing, watching the sun rise, later telling each other how much love we felt for each other. It goes in my life's book of moments that I never will forget. That Aric.

-Met this guy from LA there. An actor originally from Vancouver (I met lots of Canadians). Really nice guy. Really hot. I asked him something like "is it hard trying to be an actor in LA." And he was like "I am an actor." Turns out he is in two movies that are coming out. One with Angelina Jolie who is said was a really cool person in real life. We ended up hanging in some tent with some folks who had this huge tank of nitrous. We all took turns hitting it. Fun.

-And finally an inside joke to myself, I did finally find what I was looking for.

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Date:2003-09-02 13:58
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I'm sitting in the grass, in the square in Arcata, CA, talking to some guy who was selling pot. "Hey sister, you need any pot," he says to this maybe 50ish woman walking past him, who he doesn't seem to know. She says she does. An eighth - she needs it - her friend just died she said. He says, "I can give you a hug." She wasn't sure what he said - she seems just really out of it. He says it again and just moves over to her and hugs her. She sort of went with it and didn't say anything and while he held her tight, she started bawling. And he held her really tight. When I left the square probably an hour later, he was still talking to her and comforting her. It was really great. I wish I was more like him and wasn't so scared to be affectionate and emotional with people, even people I don't really know.

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Date:2003-08-28 03:40
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BUR-NING-MAN! BUR-NING-MAN!

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Date:2003-08-21 13:30
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i've sort of come to the realization that love and sex, while it can work hand in hand are entirely two different things. i used to be so set on having a love of my life relationship with one person, monogamous until the end. but now i think it's stupid. and it's not out of sluttiness of whatever stupid moral accusation people use to control other people, it's just out of biological reality. no one person can ever satisfy you sexually your entire life. all the boyfriends i've ever had, i lost interest in sexually...and realistically if you were having sex with some total hottie, eventually his body would get sort of boring. sure you can mix stuff up. get kinky. but ultimately were sexual animals. why fight it? ALL the relationships I've seen my friends in have ended; I think a lot of the time because they didn't work in the framework that we're all sort of brought up to believe in is so necessary. all the boyfriends i've had that ever cheated on me were the ones that were most concerned with monogamy - they were the jealous ones - what irony that they were the ones that cheated. why not get rid of that ridiculous hypersensitivity we have to people being attracted to other people, whether we are in a relationship or not. i'm sure a few people beg to differ about all this, but even my most "normal" friend who is super monogamous, and probably deep down one of the most sincere, honest and beautiful people i know (yeah you Mark), is dealing with losing interest in his partner and wanting something different - but he loves him and doesn't want to lose him. ok i could go on and on. but i've come to understand that for myself. that in order to have a super relationship, that it's gonna be one with someone who understands these realities, and who ultimately wants human companionship (sex not coming into play here as much) - which is what I want. and just go from there. i'm not so sure how to deal with the actuality if one of us wants to stray sexually or perhaps others be included in our sex life - jealousy is a fact of life - but i would hope that honesty, openness, and the sharing of our sexuality would make me understand, and would actually make what we had stronger. and always have someone to come home too. and i'd be there for them to come home too. and ultimately i think sex wouldn't necessarily come into play. and committed companionship, and having someone there for you - sex not being a priority - that would be the ultimate relationship. and that's what i want.

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Date:2003-08-21 10:28
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just some thoughts...

no more limping?

trying to buy groceries at home depot...well they don't sell groceries
going back a second and third time or more for the same thing...
that's pretty retarded

i hope i don't get put in front of the sanity board

me and mikey came up with this idea. that life and relationships are sort of like
a game of musical chairs...ok something like that..but it's like we have a partner
for a while..and then we get up and change partners..and you get someone elses old one
and someone else gets your old one. and it's sort of this like machine in a way.
and everyone is playing. well not everyone. and when it's time to change partners,
you have to, and if you don't you're sort of cheating, and the whole machine sort of gets
messed up. moral here (ala aesop's fables) - move on when it's time to move on - there's
really no good that comes from holding onto something in this case. it only messes everything up.

becca gets an award for having nerves and patience of steel. and for treating life like the cheap whore it is.

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Date:2003-07-21 09:30
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i just woke up from an 18 hours hibernation. jesus I sleep my life away. what i slept through: the attempted making of a make shift amateur porno, at least 8 phone calls, flaked out on Micah, missed a possible movie with Tylor, missed a tip-stripping adventure. oh well, there's always next weekend.

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